The 5 stages of bereavement/mourning: An African perspective
By tumkumbuke.com · Published on 28 Feb 2025, 5:27 p.m.
The article explores psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s five stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—through an African cultural lens. It highlights how different African traditions help individuals process grief.
Introduction
Losing a loved one always leaves a wound in one’s heart. Such devastating news may trigger a variety of emotions including the initial shock, disbelief, denial, emotional numbness, feelings of guilt and bouts of anger. Acute grief may include insomnia and memory loss, extreme fatigue, abrupt changes of mood, flawed judgment and thinking, bouts of crying, appetite changes resulting in weight loss or gain, a variety of symptoms pointing to disturbed health, lethargy, reduced work capacity and many others.
Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross developed a theory that outlined the five stages of grief that people go through: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and lastly acceptance. In this article we go through the five stages of bereavement/mourning as outlined by Kubler-Ross but from an African perspective.
Denial
Logically, many of us know that death is inevitable. However, when death comes too close to home, it is not uncommon for those affected to lapse into denial. How could someone who was alive just now be gone suddenly? How could someone who was sick - even for a long period - not have the option of getting better? Denial is a completely acceptable stage of bereavement and mourning. However, when it goes on for too long it becomes a concern.
One funeral ritual practiced by the Amaxhosa categorically deals with any family member who is in denial. “…the shaving of hair after the body has been buried. This is done by the immediate family….The shaving of hair is a symbol of separation, showing that one of the family has been taken away from them. At the same time it is an indication of people's belief that death does not destroy life since the growth of new hair indicates that life continues to spring up.”
Anger
Right on the heels of denial is anger. How dare death take away one’s loved ones! How dare one’s loved one allow death to take them away! How dare life go on normally when the bereaved person’s whole world has come crashing down! Anger is a completely acceptable stage in the bereavement or mourning process but if it goes on for too long, it may destroy the bereaved persons and even those around them.
When death occurs, it causes anger, sorrow and sadness. These feelings are expressed in most Igbo oral funeral songs. The songs help to express pent-up emotional feelings and release grief. In the song below, some youths express their feelings of anger and sorrow over the death of a young man:
S: Umunta Awuchi lee lee nuo! (Youths of Awuchi, see!)
Ch: Iwe! (Anger!)
S: Lee lee nuo! (Look and see!)
Ch: Iwe! (Anger!)
S: Hee oo hee ooo!
Ch: Iwe! (Anger!)
All: Ihe ọnwụ mere anyi o. (What death has made us.)
Wu iwe! (Is that we are angry!)
Bargaining
According to negotiations.com, when bargaining one side tries to get an advantage over the other side so as to get the best possible agreement. When a bereaved person starts to bargain, they are usually directing their requests to a higher power that they believe has enough influence to reverse the harsh judgement of death pronounced over the deceased. In the wake of the death of a loved one is an immense sense of helplessness. Bargaining gives the bereaved person a false sense of control over the situation. They believe that through their petitions, angry words or deliberate actions they would be able to influence the powers that be to bring back their loved ones.
During the bargaining stage, grandiose promises are made. “If you just bring them back, I will never do X or Y again.” Or, “Please bring them back and take me instead.” Or even “If you bring them back I will forever be your devotee.”
Depression
Death is not fair. Death is cruel. Death leaves the bereaved persons feeling helpless and hopeless. It is, therefore, not surprising that one stage of the bereavement and mourning process is depression which comes quick on the heels of the bargaining stage. When the bereaved finally accepts that there is nothing he or she can say or do to bring back the deceased, then they tend to hit rock bottom and fall into depression. One Swahili proverb alludes to this stage of grief: “Anayekaa na maiti, hawachi kulia-lia.” It translates to: “The person who stays with the dead does not stop weeping.” In the first three stages, the bereaved person avoids to confront the harsh truth that their loved one is gone. It is in the depression stage that they finally allow themselves to face this harsh truth.
Acceptance
The bulk of Swahili proverbs point to acceptance. “Adhabu ya kaburi kila mtu ataiona” alludes to the fact that everyone will face the punishment of death. “Afua ni mbili, kufa na kupona” means that death is one type of deliverance from sickness, with the other of course being getting better. This proverb does not shy away from the reality that death is a part of life. “Kufa ni nini? Ni kuonana na baba” acknowledges the African belief in ancestors. The proverb asks “What is dying?” Then gives the answer: “It is meeting with your father/ancestors”.
Conclusion
Grief and how we deal with it is an intensely personal experience. Do not be alarmed if you skip any of the stages of grief or if your grief does not follow the order outlined in this article. The important thing is for you to feel the emotions, however intense they may be, acknowledge them then begin processing them. Seek help from family members, friends or if possible, psychologists/therapists to help you deal with your grief. Grief is an acceptable reaction to the death of a loved one and you should never feel ashamed for experiencing any of the stages of grief.
Links
https://core.ac.uk/download/pdf/145055197.pdf